THE KILLER COP STORY WE NEVER HEAR: Hedge Fund Manager Shot for Suspected Sale of Fraudulent Derivatives

Goldman Sachs executive Oliver Dauphin was shot and killed today when he failed to respond to questioning by a police officer.

Dauphin was waiting for his limo at the curb outside the Bhutan Grill when police officer Damon Johnson overheard him on the phone, selling what sounded like a rent based derivative.

"I knew how much damage those mortgage back derivatives did to our economy and the world, so I wanted to ask some questions to find out if they were solid or another pump and dump fraud like the mortgage backed derivatives," said Johnson.

Johnson instructed Dauphin to hang up, so he could ask his questions, but Dauphin ignored him and walked a few feet away.

Johnson followed and took his phone out of his hand, ending his call.

Dauphin tried to grab his phone back, and Johnson said, "not until you answer some questions."

Dauphin became enraged and said, "Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? I'm the guy who's going to get you fired. I'm going to make your life a living hell. You're dead!"

Johnson took his last statement as a threat, drew his revolver, and told Dauphin to put his hands on his head.

Rather than comply, Dauphin made a dismissive noise and reached inside his jacket.

Fearing that he may have been reaching for a weapon, Johnson opened fire, hitting Dauphin three times in the chest and once in the head.

A later search of his body found no weapon, only a wallet and a cigar.

Others in the finance industry were shocked by the shooting and demanded that the officer be fired or at least put on suspension pending an investigation.

The police chief said he had no plans to do so since the officer acted within department policy.

"A suspect wearing a long heavy coat like that could be hiding a shotgun, assault rifle or grenade launcher for all we know, so given his movements, the shooting was appropriate. Police officers deal with very dangerous people in this neighborhood who have been known to rob pension funds, bankrupt local and state governments, and even countries with their fraud. Given that threat, Officer Johnson acted appropriately."

He also said that a cigar had been stolen from a nearby bodega and it was very likely the officer could smell the tobacco. Johnson did not mention this in any of his own statements though.

Iraq Demands United States form a more inclusive government

Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al Maliki, expressing 

dismay at failure of US democracy

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al Maliki spoke for his parliament and cabinet today when he urged the United States to form a more inclusive government that was responsive to more than just the minority of extremely wealthy individuals.

"Polls show less than half of Americans approve of President Obama's performance, record public distrust of the US Congress, and little change economic, trade, budget, tax, and foreign policy regardless of which of the two major parties is in control of the White House or Congress," said Maliki.

"Further, recent studies have shown that American politicians are far more responsive to wealthy donors and past and future employers or business cronies than they are to their constituents even when what the wealthy want conflicts with the wishes of their constituents or actually harms them," he added.

"Therefore, for the stability of the United States and because of the effect their large economy and military presence has on the rest of the world, we ask that they dissolve their government and reconstitute a "salvation government"  that is more inclusive of the vast majority and their economic interests and diminishes the influence of money in policy-making, whether through the inclusion of smaller parties or establishing means of direct democracy at the national level or whatever it takes," he concluded.

Maliki went on to say that the United States could learn from Iraq's mistakes before the US suffers an insurgency of its own.

Maliki could not resist ending on an ironic note. 

"You know, the US could even learn a thing or two about democracy from us. The American people wanted to end their government's occupation of Iraq almost as much as Iraqis did.   The Iraqi government responded appropriately, negotiating for the withdrawal of foreign troops, while the US negotiated fiercely to keep troops in the country and now looks for a way to reintroduce them, despite 72% of Americans saying the war was not worth it.  If you think that's democracy, then Iraq still has some hidden WMD's I'd like to sell you."

Obama sends Bush to teach Syria how to kill civilians legally

Syrian President Bashir Assad being advised
by former American President George W. Bush

In a last ditch effort to avoid air strikes and cruise missile attacks on Syria,
President Barack Obama has deployed former President George W Bush as a special envoy to instruct Syrian President Bashir Assad on the how to kill civilians without committing war crimes.

"No one alive knows more about this than former President Bush," Obama said. "He has by some estimates, authorized the killing of over a million Iraqi men, women, and children and untold tens of thousands of Afghans--all without committing war crimes or human rights violations. That's why I gave him immunity for actions taken in those wars just the other day."

Bush had already arrived in Syria and begun what he called his "Cheneying" of the young president of Syria.

He took a brief break to explain the advice he's giving Assad in an exclusive interview with Fox News.

"See, first thing I told him is we're the deciders.  We decide what's the right way to kill terrorists.  And that's the first step.  Only kill terrorists.  And they can come in any gender or age or sexual oriented minority."

The Fox interviewer Chris Wallace asked if he advised Assad against the use of chemical weapons.

"Of course I did! That's the first thing I said! There's nothing more bad than killing someone with a gas that leaves their body mostly intact.  I told him a real leader uses weapons that blows them bodies into pieces and buries them in rubble so it takes their relatives a while to find them and put them back together."

"See when they're busy doing that, they can't be terroristing as much."

"So explosives are the only weapons that are moral?" Wallace asked.

"I never said that," Bush bristled.  "We got stuff that can burn people to death. Inside and out at the same time.  And they can't put it out even in water.  They just kinda run around like a Bugs Bunny cartoon till they run out of juice, heh heh."

"You can also take them out one at a time Old West style with good old bullets even if you have to do it from a helicopter to get more of them like reporters and kids trying to help terrorists we're in the middle of killing."

Wallace asked if killing, even if limited to these legal methods, won't generate more enemies for the Assad regimes.

"You know I don't really think about that.  But if you think that's a problem, you can bring some people in and ask them how they feel about your leadership.  Sometimes you have to use special 'enhanced' interrogation methods we've developed like waterboarding to get an honest answer out of them."

"Don't those methods sometimes lead to additional deaths?" Wallace asked.

"Not that I know of.  I mean not people that wouldn't lose their life later anyway."

Wallace said there may be some limits to how Bush's experience could apply to Syria since President Assad is killing his own people and Bush was killing people on the other side of the world.

"Chris, that's what's great about America. We know how other people need to do things even if we haven't done it ourselves yet."

NSA launches lip reading drones in United States

New leaks reveal for the first time that the NSA is using drones to spy on in person conversations within the United States.  Predator drones are taping all conversation outdoors and many indoors observable through windows not blocked by drapes or blinds.

An unnamed high-ranking official in the Obama administration said average Americans should not be concerned about their privacy being invaded.

“We’re just collecting meta-data,” the official said, adding, “like who is talking to who, where, and when, and the general tone of the conversation, you know, whether it’s friendly, business-like, or furtive. We’re certainly not recording the content of the conversations.”

Critics of the program have disputed this, noting that the NSA has advertised in many deaf publications for lip readers to serve as analysts.

The Obama administration has responded that lip-reading of the actual content of conversations will only be done when there is suspicion of a terrorist activity, like non-violent protests of tar sand pipelines or further Occupy protests of financial crimes on Wall Street.

The administration official said the lip reading program will be discontinued once their acoustic sensors are able to isolate individual conversations from background noise.

They had no comment on why the drones were armed.

Gingrich doubles down on France Bashing, says he can't find France on a globe

Newt Gingrich knows his campaign is in desperate straits after his loss in Florida,  but polling data shows Republican voters were favorably impressed by ad slamming Mitt Romney for speaking French.

In states with upcoming primaries, Gingrich will run an ad taking the anti-French theme even further, appearing himself with a globe in his hands and saying, "Unlike Mitt Romney, I not only don't SPEAK French, I can't find it on a globe."

Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum's campaign got an early copy of the ad and plans to go even further than Gingrich and say their candidate is uncertain of the very existence of France.

"If people want to believe in some theory of France because they read it in a book or heard it from some atheist humanist gay college professor, I can't stop them--but I can tell them they're wrong."

Santorum says that France was made up by elitists in New York City as a utopia of wine drinking, mass transportation, and the metric system, to bolster their own failed socialists ideas.

"If they can't back up their ideas with real places like Selma, Schenectady , or San Antonio, they should have the dignity to admit their ideas don't work rather than appeal to some fantasyland "France."

Santorum said that if France did exist, that like other non-English speaking countries, it would pose a grave existential threat to the United States since they may be using their foreign language to plan terrorist or conventional military attacks on the US.

"This is why we need a military larger than the rest of the world combined," Santorum added.  "We have no way of knowing what they are saying in their godless, subhuman 'languages.'"

When asked about the success of the Gingrich ad and further efforts in that direction by Gingrich and Santorum, former Massachusettes governor Mitt Romney said that just because he publicly spoke French once does not mean he supports or denies the existence of France.

Screw bankers BACK: switch to a credit union

Banks are owned by stockholders like any corporation, so if it can make money by screwing its customers, it will--and DOES with ridiculous overdraft charges, late fees, scam mortgages, and reduced in-person service.

Credit unions are owned by their member-customers and employees, so taking care of customers is taking care of owners.

We can't seem to stop the government from writing blank check after blank check to the banks that immediately squirrel them away in the Caymen Islands, but we can get even with banks by taking our money OUT of them and switching to a credit union.

Frankly, if we were serious about saving American jobs at the car companies (or any other industry decimated by outsourcing and executive self-dealing), we would switch them to the credit union business model instead of the dictatorship of incompetent, spoiled trust fund babies of the corporate model.

If you already think that's a good idea, bankerspank.com put together some funny video parodies of the Mac vs. Pc commercials on banks vs. credit unions you can send to your friends to convince them:

You could help them out by searching for their videos on youtube with ''bank vs credit union'' and viewing and voting for them there too.

Then spread it around.

All videos at their website:

Wall St. execs & bankers feed those they made homeless

Wall Street executives and bankers are now feeding the very same people whose houses they foreclosed, pensions they stole, and jobs they shipped overseas.

Homeless shelters and food banks have suffered severe shortages due to the breadth and depth of the damage the financial sector has caused, but now they are part of the solution.

It began innocently enough when a former autoworker went outside the homeless shelter near Battery Park for a smoke. A Lincoln Town Car stopped at the curb, the rear window rolled down, and the man inside, mistaking him for a drug dealer, asked him for cocaine.

The autoworker immediately recognized him as the president of the bank that foreclosed his home. He pulled him out the window of his Town Car, and beat him to death with a nearby newsrack.

The other residents heard the scuffle, came out, and before the driver or the autoworker could explain who he was, carried the bank president's body to the kitchen and placed him on a food preparation table to render aid, not knowing that he was already dead.

The driver of the car asked if he could retrieve back pay he was owed from the deceased's wallet. While he was retrieving it, the driver remarked about what a cheap asshole the bank president had been, and once the autoworker told them who the dead man was, they attacked the body and tore it to shreds.

They then use a recently donated meat grinder to make hamburger out of the bank president and fed him to the shelter residents.

The driver stayed for lunch and made a generous donation to the shelter. Some worried residents asked if anyone would miss the exec or probe too deeply into his death. The driver laughed and said his trophy wife wouldn't ask too many questions while she was shtupping cabana boys with the money she'd inherit. He said he doubted anyone would shed too many tears over any other Wall Street parasite for that matter.

This gave one of the residents an idea: he worked as a bike messenger on Wall Street, so he knew many of executives and bankers by sight and name, and could point them out on the street.

Several of the residents followed him in the shelter's van, and when the messenger pointed out a hedge fund manager standing on the street, talking into his blue tooth headset, they jumped out, tackled him to the ground, and tried to drag the struggling exec back to the van. Passers by asked what was going on, and when the shelter residents told them, they attacked the exec too, leaving the shelter residents with nothing to show for their efforts but an ear, nose, blue tooth headset, and sphincter.

They knew that they would have to collect their food in more private settings to avoid setting off another gleeful melee, so they began to pose as prostitute, drug addicts, housekeepers and the like.

Some thought it would be better to bring the execs back to the shelter alive, and slaughter them there as needed, but mothers quickly vetoed the idea. "We have impressionable children here, I don't want them exposed to those kind of people."

As news of the project quietly spread, they didn't even have to go out to collect anymore. Neglected trophy wives, mistresses, and even the children of the execs would drop off their carcasses, and usually apologize that they didn't have more to give.

When the head of the shelter was asked if the police were aware of what they were doing, she said, "Oh, yes, and they have been ever so helpful. They'll pull them over on some pretense like a burned out taillight, taser them to death, then throw them in the trunk. When the trunk gets full, they drop them off."

The shelter's thrift shop has also done a brisk business selling their suits, attaches, laptops, and cell phones. Ironically enough, word of the barely used high quality goods attracts some execs to the thrift store, where they are quickly dispatched to the kitchen.

Some at the shelter have expressed concern about eating the meat and serving it to their children. "A lot of these guys do drugs and have male prostitutes re-enact Deliverance with them," one mother said. "How do I know they won't give my kid some disease?"

Others are concerned that the brain tumors and cancer caused by heavy cell phone use may have infected the rest of the meat. "We cracked open one guy's head, and it looked like a tar bucket in there. We were so disgusted, we only ate his feet."

The executives hands have proven to be a popular delicacy since they are so tender from never being used for manual labor.

Surprisingly, the shelter's managers isn't concerned about depleting the population of financiers and scammers feeding her clients.

"I just read about them doing this during the financial crisis in Korea and the more bankers, brokers, and hedge fund managers they ate, the more the economy seemed to correct itself, and they had fewer impoverished clients at shelters to feed."

None of those involved in acquiring the self-described "masters of the universe" for the special of the day, expressed any moral qualms about what they were doing. "This guy we're eating here," one said, waving a bun full of sloppy joes, "He figured out a way that health insurance companies could claim a kid with cancer had a pre-existing genetic condition and cancel the whole family's policy. He got an $80 million bonus for that. My only regret is that we have to eat these guys instead of take them down and leave them to rot to the moral filth they really are."

"Hey, it could be worse," another resident shouted, "We could be eating the politicians that let them do all that shit."

servants retaliating against Wall St. scammers

When Wells Fargo execs canceled their retreat in Vegas, it was assumed that they had been shamed by bad publicity about partying on taxpayers' bail out dime. But federal investigators revealed it was because they feared being the latest victims of retaliation for Wall Street's heartless financial abuse of average Americans. And the revenge is being dealt by people with intimate access to them who they usually ignore: servants.

The lowest level of harassment comes from food servers, according to FBI agent Pete Gadamo, who has been tracking the crimes. "I've seen all the old favorites, from bodily fluids in drinks to feces in ice cream and frappacinnos to household cleaners in umbrella drinks. If that Drano martini had been handed to an innocent person by mistake, it could have led to a real tragedy."

Wall Street executives have quietly had to give up ordering flambe dishes altogether after a server tripped and "accidentally" threw a flaming dessert in a hedge fund managers face. Since his dinner companions and the other patrons were unaccustomed to rendering aid to others, they either ignored him or took cameraphone photos to send to their friends as he ran around the dining room screaming before jumping in a decorative fountain. No one would have thought anything of it if it hadn't happened to someone else later that day, and then again the next day, and the next.

Valets and maids who have access to untended laptops, blackberries, and cell phones, and have erased data, changed phone numbers by one digit, and changed their wives' birthdates. In one case, a valet called all the contacts in a cell phone and said it's owner was cooperating with an SEC investigation and named them as co-conspirators. In another case, a valet gave a bank exec the keys to someone else's black BMW identical to his own then reported the car stolen at gun point. The exec died in a hail of bullets after a high speed chase. Then the valet did the same thing with that execs keys.

Those with access to their rooms have put snakes and scorpions in their beds, and in one incident, the water jet in a bidet was replaced with an acetylene torch. "That poor bastard burned his balls off before he knew what hit him, and the doctor literally had to rip him a new asshole," Gadamo said.

Sex workers have gotten into the act too, putting Ben Gay on butt plugs, leaving clients handcuffed, naked, and ball-gagged for the maid to find, and secretly videotaping their clients sexual perversions and sending them to their board of directors and wives.

Gadamo said the perpetrators do these acts spontaneously and have no contact with each other. "It's really a shame since each person pretty much has to re-invent the wheel instead borrowing what someone else has done and improving on it."

By bringing this trend to light, Gadamo hopes to change this. He also says he sees little prospect of catching the culprits.

"I'm not getting enough sleep to do a good job lately," Gadamo yawned. "My house got foreclosed, and I had to move into my mother in law's garage with my wife, two kids, and three dogs. Somebody's always stepping on me or making noise when I'm trying to sleep."

"However, if we do catch anyone, we will punish their crimes as severely as Wall Street's crimes have been punished," Gadamo said.

King of Cayman Islands thanks Bush for Wall St. Bailout

The Cayman Islands formally thanked the United States for the first installment of the $350 billion Wall Street bailout.

"Just about all that money ended up in our banks, Mon," said king of the Caymen Islands and president of the Third National Bank of Post Office Box 7, Haile Ken Lay Selassie.

The Cayman Islands are notorious for their secret bank accounts used to escape individual and corporate taxes and launder drug money to make it available to banks and Wall St.

"We got about $348 billion. Hank Paulson, and the AIG and the Goldman Sachs, or whoever those guys are, they said they need the other two for shipping and handling--shipping coke and handling male prostitutes that do that nasty shit they like from their fraternity initiations. Mon, those guys are fucked up, but they make us so rich, we don't know what to do with all the money. I got a solid gold bidet to wash the shit off me ass so I don't even have to wipe myself. Even my paperboy, he drive a Rolls Royce, and our homeless can afford to hire advertising companies to beg for them."

The bailout money will be used to actually expand the land mass of the Cayman Island. "We gonna bale up that bale out money and throw it in the ocean to make the island bigger, so we put some more PO boxes on it."

The King of the Cayman Islands bears a striking resemblance to Enron CEO Ken Lay who died suddenly after being sentenced to prison for his business practices. Some suspected he faked his death and was hiding out in one of the corporate-criminal friendly states like Seychelles, Saudi Arabia, or the Cayman Islands.

"Mon, I aint no Ken Lay, I got some white in me, so maybe we are cousins or some shit like that. But I'm no way Ken Lay with a bad dreadlock wig and dyed skin."

What makes the resemblance even more odd is that the king's middle name is "Ken Lay."

He has a quick explanation for that. "Look, how am going to know when someone is talking to me when half the people in the islands is named Haile Selassie or Bob Marley something? So I put my real name in the middle so people still call me "Kenny Boy,"or the "Easy Lay," but no feds can find me with the Selassie, not that they are looking so hard with my friend the Lucky Tard as president."

As president of the Third National Bank of Post Office Box 7, the king is thought to have stewardship of 90% of the money that disappeared from the collapse of Enron, 70% of the money from the S& L crisis in the 80's, and the majority of the heroin income from Afghanistan and coca income from Columbia.

"I don't know why anyone would want to be a CEO of some fancy business in the US and have to wear a tie and all that shit," the king said. "I make a lot more money here smoking blunts in me flip flops and driving me golf cart to collect the checks from the mailboxes every day. Even club fed wouldn't have been this nice."

McCain prepares concession speech for Republican convention tonight

John McCain is putting the finishing touches on the concession speech he will give at the Republican National Convention tonight.

Normally, such speeches are given after the election when enough votes have been counted to convince a candidate he has lost.

The McCain campaign says they already see that they have lost months before a single vote has been cast.

"We hoped that adding Sarah Palin to the ticket would shore up our religious right base and rope in some women swing voters," said a top campaign official speaking off the record.

"We got the religious right back on the bus with Palin, but our polling and focus groups show we lost the few conservative Democrats we had, lost swing voters, and even lost some Reagan Republicans like Peggy Noonan. We shot ourselves in the face."

Another long time confidante of McCain said he is conceding not so much because he is certain he will lose but because he is afraid he may win. "The party has all kinds of tricks to pull the rabbit from the hat from ginning up military conflicts like Georgia to terror alerts to rumor emails about Obama to purging Democrat voters in states where the Secretary of State is GOP," said the confidante.

"But John's basic views have not changed since 2000. He still believes the religious right are 'agents of intolerance' as he said back then, and when party insiders forced him to take one of them as his VP, and one who has all the worst qualities of the Bush administration, the religious hypocrisy, corruption, profound ignorance about foreign policy and the Constitution, and using political power for personal vendettas, John said enough."

McCain will throw his support behind Barack at the end of the speech, and wish his presidency well.

The move is not without precedence since McCain twice approached the Democrats about switching parties during the Bush years.

The McCain confidante said, "John really believes in our fight against fundamentalist fanatics in the Middle East. He doesn't want to see the same thing happen here if he dies in office and the presidency falls to someone just a few steps to the left of the Taliban."

The confidante concluded, "John hopes tonight will be the GOP's greatest moment since Lincoln freed the slaves." The confidante seemed unaware of the irony since the Republican Party platform includes the repeal of Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation.

PHOTO: Bushie Karen Hughes on her failed PR effort in Arab World

Article

how to pressure GOP Sen. Stallurker Fascistpants to give up Iraq War, even if he's not your rep

Send them a letter or postcard (email from non-constituents are filtered out) to their campaign headquarters or district offices that simply says,

Dear Sen. or Rep. Stallurker Fascistpants,

My Democratic senator or representative seems to be in no danger of defeat, so I have decided to donate money and/or time to your opponent instead because you are ignoring the will of the American people and continue to support keeping troops in Iraq.

Although you usually win by a comfortable margin, you will probably be defeated since two-thirds (or whatever the current number is) of the American people want us to pull out of Iraq. Since over 70% know the Iraq War is about oil and Alan Greenspan recently confirmed this, I doubt more propaganda will help.

If you actually believe what the Bush administration says about Iraq, consider that every poll of Iraqis, even those taken by the Coalition Provisional Authority and the British Ministry of Defense show the Iraqis want the occupation to end.

You guys did do a nice job of setting up a democracy in Iraq, and that parliament is showing their independence by demanding mercenaries be withdrawn and that the occupation end.

You are obviously free to do what you want, but if you continue your present course, the GOP could face an epic route in the 2008 election. A defeat on that scale will mean your services as a lobbyist or corporate board member won't be so valuable. Maybe you won't even find another job. Jimmy Carter could use your help building houses for poor people.

Be smart. I know it's painful to give up a cash cow like Iraq that has made so much money for your corporate patrons, but consider it a "corporate restructuring" where you shed divisions that could bankrupt the whole company. If you cut your losses in Iraq, you will still have a seat in Congress and be able to line your and your friends pockets another day in other ways.

Sincerely,



PS: I was going to keep that awkward incident when you misinterpreted my nervous toe-tapping in the mens room between us. Now I'm not so sure.

NOTE: You might want to include a photocopy of your check to the opponent. Black out your address and account number though, so they don't send someone to kill your dog.

Bush asks Condi if he can go potty--may need wipies

When I saw this on a news site, I thought it was a joke until I went to the article. You can make out most of the note. It says, "I think I may need a bathroom break? Is this possible (illegible after that)."

I like the question mark, like he isn't sure whether he has to go or not.

This should put an end to any nasty rumors that he is illiterate.

Five minutes after this he was probably bellowing from the bathroom, "Condi, get in here!!! Your president needs wipies. And not so rough this time."

http://news.yahoo.com/photo/050914/ids_photos_ts/r2587077477.jpg/print

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