Wednesday, February 04, 2009

servants retaliating against Wall St. scammers

When Wells Fargo execs canceled their retreat in Vegas, it was assumed that they had been shamed by bad publicity about partying on taxpayers' bail out dime. But federal investigators revealed it was because they feared being the latest victims of retaliation for Wall Street's heartless financial abuse of average Americans. And the revenge is being dealt by people with intimate access to them who they usually ignore: servants.

The lowest level of harassment comes from food servers, according to FBI agent Pete Gadamo, who has been tracking the crimes. "I've seen all the old favorites, from bodily fluids in drinks to feces in ice cream and frappacinnos to household cleaners in umbrella drinks. If that Drano martini had been handed to an innocent person by mistake, it could have led to a real tragedy."

Wall Street executives have quietly had to give up ordering flambe dishes altogether after a server tripped and "accidentally" threw a flaming dessert in a hedge fund managers face. Since his dinner companions and the other patrons were unaccustomed to rendering aid to others, they either ignored him or took cameraphone photos to send to their friends as he ran around the dining room screaming before jumping in a decorative fountain. No one would have thought anything of it if it hadn't happened to someone else later that day, and then again the next day, and the next.

Valets and maids who have access to untended laptops, blackberries, and cell phones, and have erased data, changed phone numbers by one digit, and changed their wives' birthdates. In one case, a valet called all the contacts in a cell phone and said it's owner was cooperating with an SEC investigation and named them as co-conspirators. In another case, a valet gave a bank exec the keys to someone else's black BMW identical to his own then reported the car stolen at gun point. The exec died in a hail of bullets after a high speed chase. Then the valet did the same thing with that execs keys.

Those with access to their rooms have put snakes and scorpions in their beds, and in one incident, the water jet in a bidet was replaced with an acetylene torch. "That poor bastard burned his balls off before he knew what hit him, and the doctor literally had to rip him a new asshole," Gadamo said.

Sex workers have gotten into the act too, putting Ben Gay on butt plugs, leaving clients handcuffed, naked, and ball-gagged for the maid to find, and secretly videotaping their clients sexual perversions and sending them to their board of directors and wives.

Gadamo said the perpetrators do these acts spontaneously and have no contact with each other. "It's really a shame since each person pretty much has to re-invent the wheel instead borrowing what someone else has done and improving on it."

By bringing this trend to light, Gadamo hopes to change this. He also says he sees little prospect of catching the culprits.

"I'm not getting enough sleep to do a good job lately," Gadamo yawned. "My house got foreclosed, and I had to move into my mother in law's garage with my wife, two kids, and three dogs. Somebody's always stepping on me or making noise when I'm trying to sleep."

"However, if we do catch anyone, we will punish their crimes as severely as Wall Street's crimes have been punished," Gadamo said.


4 comments:

Anonymous said...

"If that Drano martini had been handed to an innocent person by mistake, it could have led to a real tragedy."

Note the tongue-in-cheek reference; "If it had been handed to an INNOCENT person."

As long as it was handed to the bank exec everything's cool. heh

Anonymous said...

Delightful!!

Anonymous said...

is this shyt for real, yo?
cite your sources... or admit it's a parody...

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