Jesus talks to George W. Bush at his ranch

One day, George W. Bush was walking through woods at his ranch in Texas, and the Lord Jesus met him and walked with him, as Bush said he often did.

“Mr. President,” Jesus began respectfully, “I am deeply troubled.”

“What’s eating ya, beard boy?” Bush said to his Lord and Savior.

“I am deeply troubled because I have seen a country that does not know me. Their people do not follow my ways, and their leaders do not fear God and glorify themselves instead of him. They ignore the cries of their people and add to their affiliction. What would you do to make such a country come to know my love, Mr. President?”

George W. Bush did not think at all, for he was a decisive man who knew what he knew and needed no thought or evidence to tell others what to do. “This leader’s a bad man?”

“Yes,” Jesus said.

“We got to take him out. We’ll give some money to his enemies or even his bodyguards, so maybe one of ‘em’ll air condition his head and take his place.”

“What if no one can do this?”

“Then we gotta invade. We’ll bomb every place that leader ever takes a dump, and tuh make sure they can’t fight back, we’ll blow out the phones, electricity, water, and even sewers.”

“Won’t your bombs hurt mothers and children and even men that hate the leader more than they were hurt by the leader? Won’t the parent who sees his child whose head is reduced to empty flaps of skin by your bombs or the child whose parents and brothers and sisters are killed and whose arms armed burned from his body, hate you and your lord with an undying hatred if you do this, and fight you even more than the evil leader?”

“Jesus, I got that covered. See, we’re going to privatize everything. Everything they ever made, all the minerals and whatnot below the ground, and every plant, drop of water and breath of air above and sell it to my friends. Then they gonna sell—“

“How would that help—“

“Don’t interrupt me, I’m working toward a point, Jesus H. Christ!”

And Jesus was silent.

“After we finish the privatizing, if anyone don’t like it we’ll throw them in prison, strip them naked, and make them bark like dogs. Then we’ll take pictures and threaten to show ‘em to their wives and friends if they don’t do just like they’re told when we turn ‘em loose. If that don’t break ‘em, we’ll rape their wives and children in front of them, so that they know who’s boss.”

“How will that make them love me?”

“We’ll do some religious stuff too. We’ll make them cuss out their false god and say that you’re the Lord, and if they don’t, we’ll throw their holy book on the ground and piss on it. Hell, we’ll make them piss on it. You can bet they won’t be denying you after this.”

“I see. And what would you do with the leader of this country?”

“Well, if we didn’t kill him outright, we got to humiliate him in public. Kill his children and pull their bones out to identify them. Then when we catch him, we’ll parade him around in his underpants, and have a local on our payroll pretend to give him a trial. It’s better not to kill ‘em outright now that I think about it. My pappy says can’t go back to beat a dead dog a second time, so It’s better to let him live.”

“George,” Jesus said, “your plan is more terrible than the wrath my father rained down on Sodom and Gomorrah, the people of that country will repent of their sins, and their leader will be brought low.”

“That’s great cuz I’m a war president. I always got war on my mind. When do we get started? Who is this leader?”

“You are that leader, George. And what you have done unto the least of my children will be done unto you.”

And George W. Bush had no idea what the hell Jesus was talking about.




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