Trump Vows to PERSONALLY Rid Baltimore of Rats

President Donald Trump said today his comments about Rep. Elijah Cummings Baltimore district being rat infested have been grossly misinterpreted.

"People say that I mean something 'racist' by saying that, but I'm not," Trump said.

"I care about the people of Baltimore, so much that half the time I'm scheduled to be golfing, or at Mar a Lago, or shopping for new wives, I've really been hunting rats in the sewers of Baltimore."

Trump went on to say, "People don't realize how much I care.  I do.  If I see a problem, I will not only deploy the full power of the federal government to fight it, from our infantroopen to the latest steam catapult aircraft carrier, but I'm willing to get down and dirty myself.  Because that's how much I care. I really care."

Trump added that his years of avoiding the draft and his personal Vietnam of avoiding STD's while paying for sex in the 70's prepared him with the stealth skills to sneak up on rats.

He also said, his rat hunting safaris started as a teenager in his father's low income housing developments.

"My dad and I were very concerned that our buildings weren't safe for human habitation.  I hunted and killed hundreds, maybe millions of rats.  I could actually be a rat killing billionaire, but whose counting? But it was never enough.  That's why my dad said to me, 'Son, this place is so unsafe, I don't feel right about letting African Americans live here.  They deserve better.'"

Many Trump biographers have said this was the beginning of the president's obsession with vermin, cleanliness, and even "shitholes" since he crawled through many to protect the tenants in his father's buildings.

Trump fought bitterly with aides to make his famous "drain the swamp" slogan "clean the shitholes" but they prevailed saying networks might draw the line at playing that on air unbleeped.



"When I was a kid, I wanted to be a superhero that defended people from rats. I knew the only way to defeat them was to surround myself with them, think like them, and even become them. I think I've succeeded, don't you?"