Friday, November 12, 2010

Bush CENSORED best parts of his autobiography

George W. Bush left some memorable key moments of his life, some funny, others of profound historic consequence.

To complete the historical record, we fished the censored pages from his editor's trash.

Some excerpts from the missing chapters:

Retired Bush valet: W has never wiped own ass

(AP) Thrallport, Maine--Alan Puckerthorn, recently retired lifelong valet of President George W. Bush is surprised that the public thinks of his former master as a "regular guy."

"I served Master Junior from the time he was out of his nappies until my arthritis made it difficult for me to dress and wipe him everyday," Puckerthorn said. "I doubt that he could survive more than a few hours or even minutes without servants to attend to his needs."

Remarkably, he claims the president has never even wiped himself after defecating. "Never. A gentleman does not touch feces even with toilet paper." In fact, toilet paper has never touched Bush's posterior. "His mother insisted we cleanse his anus with natural sponges soaked in mineral water, and then blow on it until it dried."

The rest of the chapter

No one could have predicted 9/11...except the pilot for a TV show on Fox a few months before 9/11.

Bush admits three separate times Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with 9/11...

Bush entertains real 9/11 funders at the White House

In 1999, Dick Cheney explained the strategic importance of the Middle East, Central Asia, and the pipeline routes from those areas--that just happen be exactly where we are fighting the "War on Terror"

WMD: who has enough to be a threat to the United States?

Colin Powell's aide
says Iraq War about OIL so we can't leave

Bush had innovative plan to avoid bad press in Iraq War says British government: kill journalists

Effects of Bush's pre-emptive war on bad press

Jesus talks to George W. Bush at his ranch

One day, George W. Bush was walking through woods at his ranch in Texas, and the Lord Jesus met him and walked with him, as Bush said he often did.

“Mr. President,” Jesus began respectfully, “I am deeply troubled.”

“What’s eating ya, beard boy?” Bush said to his Lord and Savior.

“I am deeply troubled because I have seen a country that does not know me. Their people do not follow my ways, and their leaders do not fear God and glorify themselves instead of him. They ignore the cries of their people and add to their affiliction. What would you do to make such a country come to know my love, Mr. President?”

George W. Bush did not think at all, for he was a decisive man who knew what he knew and needed no thought or evidence to tell others what to do. “This leader’s a bad man?”

“Yes,” Jesus said.

“We got to take him out. We’ll give some money to his enemies or even his bodyguards, so maybe one of ‘em’ll air condition his head and take his place.”

The rest of the chapter

Comparison to Bush Disgusts Chimps

by Milo Cornelius Science Newswire staff writer

December 13, 2006

(Science Newswire) DES MOINES -- Conservatives howl when anyone compares George W. Bush to Hitler, and the left rolls their eyes when the right compares Bush to Winston Churchill or Franklin Delano Roosevelt, but no one has taken much offense when Bush is compared to a chimp—until now. Chimps who have been taught to communicate with humans have unanimously expressed anger and dismay at being compared with President Bush.

Over the last few decades, researchers have been able to teach primates to communicate with American Sign Language, lexigrams, and computers. Although their vocabulary is rudimentary, it is more than adequate not only for asking for basic needs to be met, but for expressing feelings and opinions.

Their distress was first discovered when a researcher was working on basic math with signing chimp Washoe, and she overheard another scientist refer to Bush as a “chimp faced moron.” She stopped her lesson to sign over and over “bush dirty bad stupid not chimp,” and persisted until the offending person told her that he agreed Bush was not a chimp, and that chimps are not dirty bad and stupid like Bush.

the rest of the story

Bush's forbidden love in the White House

Bush's love of bald heads

PIC: Bush PR effort in Middle East fails for mysterious reasons...

PICS: Bush Blackwater mercenary buddies forced to rebrand

Bush seeks Condi's help in a crisis at the UN

PIC: People of the world vote Bush number one!

Bush celebrates his black approval rating after Hurricane Katrina

Bush impeachment polls more like Nixon than Clinton

ANIMATION: changing map of Bush's true believers in the US

Reaction to Al Gore getting Nobel Prize

After a terrifying temper tantrum when he heard that his one time political opponent Al Gore had won the Nobel Prize, President George W. Bush was consoled when he heard the judges at the Hague would be far more likely to vote for him.

When President George W. Bush heard that Al Gore won the Nobel Prize, he terrified White House staff by smashing vases, slapping and kicking any servants that crossed his path and demanding to know why they hadn't bought the prize for him, drinking two bottles of cooking sherry, and refusing to take his psychiatric medications.

By Saturday, his handlers were able to calm him somewhat by sending him on a bike ride and promising he could watch ESPN the rest of the day when he returned.

the rest of the story

Bush says no WMD in Russia

At a press conference yesterday, President George W. Bush said he did not send troops to back Georgia in their brief war with Russia because Russia had no WMD.

"Look, I'm concerned when nations cross the borders of other nations and bomb and kill innocent people, but the fact is, Russia has no weapons that can reach the United States and no WMD. They just aren't a threat to us."

When pressed further, Bush said he had his staff review the public statements of his vice president Dick Cheney, his secretary of defense, Condi Rice, and former secretary of defense Don Rumsfeld over the last seven years and found that only two or three countries in the world may have nuclear weapons and other "WMD." MORE

Bush Bailout of Wall St. proves Orwell and Jack London right about the degeneracy and incompetence of the financial elite

King of Cayman Islands thanks Bush for Wall St. Bailout

The Cayman Islands formally thanked the United States for the first installment of the $350 billion Wall Street bailout.

"Just about all that money ended up in our banks, Mon," said king of the Caymen Islands and president of the Third National Bank of Post Office Box 7, Haile Ken Lay Selassie.

The Cayman Islands are notorious for their secret bank accounts used to escape individual and corporate taxes and launder drug money to make it available to banks and Wall St.

the rest of the chapter...

Bush to pardon at last minute to give more time for crimes

President Bush will not grant any pardons until immediately before Barack Obama's inauguration, so that he won't leave any of his administration's crimes unpardoned, a high ranking White House official said.

"We plan to be working until the very end of the administration, and the president wants to make sure his cabinet and staff are protected from prosecution for all their work," the official said.

In an earlier press conference, the president had revealed his thinking on this, saying, "One mistake my dad made was pardoning his fellas for Iran Contra on Christmas Eve, which my advisers tell me is nearly a month from the leaving office day. They could a done a lot of work for Poppy in that month and they wouldn't a had immunity. That would have a tragedery, which is to say a strategic tragedy."

the rest of the story

Oliver Stone's "W": "Forrest Gump goes to the White House" instead of the "Crawford Caligula"

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