Saturday, April 18, 2009

Pentagon says space-based death star needed to fight pirates

In an emergency meeting of the Senate Armed Services Committee, Pentagon officials said they urgently needed a space-based death star to fight the emerging pirate threat.

"With a spheroid battleship about half the size of Earth's moon, we should be able to contain the pirate threat for three to five years," said Gen. Dennis Tully.

"However, we must act with maximum haste," he added. "Right now, the pirates are using small speed boats, but if we wait until the acquire cabin-cruiser technology, there's no telling what kind of devastation they will leave in their wake--and I mean wake literally."

"Even with their current speed boat fleet, if they coupled that with water skiing suicide bombers, they could ski right into the side of a ship or go off a jump and engage aircraft. The pirates would literally be able to blackmail the entire world."

The general went on to say that while nuclear submarines, aircraft carriers, and stealth bombers have been adequate to fight terrorists, they are not enough for the new pirate threat.

"Al Qaeda is a formidable threat, but they don't have their own ride. Hell, they had to hijack planes to do 9/11," Tully said. "These pirates have their OWN boats--really, really fast boats, like maybe 35 knots. We don't have anything like that."

The general added that with some modifications, the death star could be used to fight rabid dogs or a re-emergence of Neanderthals with their precision-flaked cutting tools.

Gen. Tully said the projected cost would be half a trillion dollars spread over three years.

When Democrats questioned the need for the death star, their republican colleagues were quick to point out their lack of patriotism and concern for their country's safety.

"They would like the see the pirates swing in on their ropes with their poofy shirts and rape and pillage at will," said GOP senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma, whose state would manufacture all the toilets for the death star.

He was joined in his criticism by erstwhile Democrat Joe Lieberman. "I cannot tell you how pained I am that my sometimes party does not see the clear and present danger posed to our country by illiterate pirates in speed boats halfway around the world." Lieberman's state of Connecticut is home to the Electric Boat Company whose expertise making submarines will be invaluable to them as the prime contractor on the death star.

All concerns about the cost and practicality of the project were swept aside though, when Tully suggested an alternative solution: stop selling American speed boats, outboards, and gasoline to pirates, something all the senators agreed was too extreme.

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