(AP) Thrallport, Maine--Alan Puckerthorn, recently retired lifelong valet of President George W. Bush is surprised that the public thinks of his former master as a "regular guy."
"I served Master Junior from the time he was out of his nappies until my arthritis made it difficult for me to dress and wipe him everyday," Puckerthorn said. "I doubt that he could survive more than a few hours or even minutes without servants to attend to his needs."
Remarkably, he claims the president has never even wiped himself after defecating. "Never. A gentleman does not touch feces even with toilet paper." In fact, toilet paper has never touched Bush's posterior. "His mother insisted we cleanse his anus with natural sponges soaked in mineral water, and then blow on it until it dried."
Puckerthorn didn't consider this duty a hardship until he had to accompany Bush to his one year of public education in fourth grade. "The other children would mock the master viciously when they saw me servicing his rectal hygiene needs. Being a child of privilege this did't hurt his pride any, but it did annoy him." He went on to say that Bush had him beat several of the boys that mocked him. "One must learn to respect their social superiors, and a good drubbing did the trick for most." One boy persisted in teasing Bush though, so Puckerthorn was forced to take the matter to the elder Bush, who used his CIA connection to have the child sold into slavery.
The following year, Bush returned to the safety of Nancy Phillips Academy, an elite finishing school for girls, where, like all the other students, he had not one but two servants, his valet, and another to do his homework.
As his personal manservant, Puckerthorn probably knew more about his master's dreams and ambitions than Bush's parents. "Even before he went to college, I knew Master Junior wanted to be a cheerleader--he slept in the uniform pom-poms and all from the time he was eight. He would fuss so when I tried to dress him for school. His proudest moment was when he made the squad at Yale."
College posed a different set of challenges for the future president's valet. When Bush wished to join Skull & Bones, it was Puckerthorn who had to endure the initiation. "Although I'm British, I didn't enjoyed being buggered in a coffin by someone else's gentleman's gentleman, I can assure you."
When asked how the president will survive without him, Puckerthorn demured. "I've signed a confidentiality agreement that forbids me to give the details, but I believe the duty has fallen to a pasty, pudgy senior staffer. He looks like that unfortunate fat fellow in Deliverance, only not so manly. I knew that it was time to retire when I came in one morning and found him helping the master with his pants."
With the utmost of discretion, Puckerthorn refused to comment on the President's drug use, military service, sexual orientation, literacy, sanity, or mental competence. "One doesn't air the master's dirty laundry in public," he said. "At least not until you have thoroughly scrubbed out the skidmarks."
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