|Syrian President Bashir Assad being advised |
by former American President George W. Bush
President Barack Obama has deployed former President George W Bush as a special envoy to instruct Syrian President Bashir Assad on the how to kill civilians without committing war crimes.
"No one alive knows more about this than former President Bush," Obama said. "He has by some estimates, authorized the killing of over a million Iraqi men, women, and children and untold tens of thousands of Afghans--all without committing war crimes or human rights violations. That's why I gave him immunity for actions taken in those wars just the other day."
Bush had already arrived in Syria and begun what he called his "Cheneying" of the young president of Syria.
He took a brief break to explain the advice he's giving Assad in an exclusive interview with Fox News.
"See, first thing I told him is we're the deciders. We decide what's the right way to kill terrorists. And that's the first step. Only kill terrorists. And they can come in any gender or age or sexual oriented minority."
The Fox interviewer Chris Wallace asked if he advised Assad against the use of chemical weapons.
"Of course I did! That's the first thing I said! There's nothing more bad than killing someone with a gas that leaves their body mostly intact. I told him a real leader uses weapons that blows them bodies into pieces and buries them in rubble so it takes their relatives a while to find them and put them back together."
"See when they're busy doing that, they can't be terroristing as much."
"So explosives are the only weapons that are moral?" Wallace asked.
"I never said that," Bush bristled. "We got stuff that can burn people to death. Inside and out at the same time. And they can't put it out even in water. They just kinda run around like a Bugs Bunny cartoon till they run out of juice, heh heh."
"You can also take them out one at a time Old West style with good old bullets even if you have to do it from a helicopter to get more of them like reporters and kids trying to help terrorists we're in the middle of killing."
Wallace asked if killing, even if limited to these legal methods, won't generate more enemies for the Assad regimes.
"You know I don't really think about that. But if you think that's a problem, you can bring some people in and ask them how they feel about your leadership. Sometimes you have to use special 'enhanced' interrogation methods we've developed like waterboarding to get an honest answer out of them."
"Don't those methods sometimes lead to additional deaths?" Wallace asked.
"Not that I know of. I mean not people that wouldn't lose their life later anyway."
Wallace said there may be some limits to how Bush's experience could apply to Syria since President Assad is killing his own people and Bush was killing people on the other side of the world.
"Chris, that's what's great about America. We know how other people need to do things even if we haven't done it ourselves yet."