Professor Smartass

Monday, April 20, 2009

GOP consultant says Jeff Gannon inspired tea bag idea


A Republican consultant who wished to remain anonymous said he came up with the tea bag protest concept during his weekly session with GOP male prostitute Jeff Gannon.


"I was trying to figure out what we could do to show our displeasure with the Obama administration, and then I felt a tingling in my loins and the idea settling in comfortably. I shared it with Jeff and he enthusiastically said, 'Gluh huh, glul gluh...' His words were very supportive--but he can be biting when he needs to," the well known consultant said.

"In subsequent visits, I came up with the Reach Around pro-defense protest (we have to reach around and grab new threats as they arise) and our Dirty Sanchez anti-illegal immigrant policy, demanding that we draw an unmistakable line at the border than none would dare cross or even get downwind of."

The consultant said Gannon has become so valuable to him that Gannon will now join his exclusive strategy group composed of Sen. Larry Craig, former Rep. Mark Foley, and Diaper Boy David Vitter that meets in the mens room at Dulles International Airport.

Gannon is most famous for posing as a reporter in the White House press corps and pitching softball questions at President Bush during press conferences. Whether he was pitching or catching in his private sessions with President Bush has yet to be disclosed.



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Saturday, April 18, 2009

Pentagon says space-based death star needed to fight pirates

In an emergency meeting of the Senate Armed Services Committee, Pentagon officials said they urgently needed a space-based death star to fight the emerging pirate threat.

"With a spheroid battleship about half the size of Earth's moon, we should be able to contain the pirate threat for three to five years," said Gen. Dennis Tully.

"However, we must act with maximum haste," he added. "Right now, the pirates are using small speed boats, but if we wait until the acquire cabin-cruiser technology, there's no telling what kind of devastation they will leave in their wake--and I mean wake literally."

"Even with their current speed boat fleet, if they coupled that with water skiing suicide bombers, they could ski right into the side of a ship or go off a jump and engage aircraft. The pirates would literally be able to blackmail the entire world."

The general went on to say that while nuclear submarines, aircraft carriers, and stealth bombers have been adequate to fight terrorists, they are not enough for the new pirate threat.

"Al Qaeda is a formidable threat, but they don't have their own ride. Hell, they had to hijack planes to do 9/11," Tully said. "These pirates have their OWN boats--really, really fast boats, like maybe 35 knots. We don't have anything like that."

The general added that with some modifications, the death star could be used to fight rabid dogs or a re-emergence of Neanderthals with their precision-flaked cutting tools.

Gen. Tully said the projected cost would be half a trillion dollars spread over three years.

When Democrats questioned the need for the death star, their republican colleagues were quick to point out their lack of patriotism and concern for their country's safety.

"They would like the see the pirates swing in on their ropes with their poofy shirts and rape and pillage at will," said GOP senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma, whose state would manufacture all the toilets for the death star.

He was joined in his criticism by erstwhile Democrat Joe Lieberman. "I cannot tell you how pained I am that my sometimes party does not see the clear and present danger posed to our country by illiterate pirates in speed boats halfway around the world." Lieberman's state of Connecticut is home to the Electric Boat Company whose expertise making submarines will be invaluable to them as the prime contractor on the death star.

All concerns about the cost and practicality of the project were swept aside though, when Tully suggested an alternative solution: stop selling American speed boats, outboards, and gasoline to pirates, something all the senators agreed was too extreme.



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Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Wall St. opens offices & homes to those they made homeless


In a gesture meant to regain the trust of the American people, Wall Street investment firms, insurance companies, and banks are literally opening their offices to those they made homeless.

Initially, the firms were going to require people to bring in a copy of their foreclosed mortgage, pension statements, or other investments Wall Street has made worth less than the paper they were printed on. Since that proved too time-consuming for staff to process, the program has simply been opened to all the homeless though they still must bring their own blanket and pillow.

Trip Caine of AIG explains the thinking behind the program, "I and most other people I know got into finance to help people fulfill the American Dream and pull themselves up by their bootstraps, so we really feel a profound sense of guilt and personal responsibility for the damage
our schemes have caused, and we wanted to give something back."

"At first, we didn't know what we could do, but then we realized we have so much space in these nice offices, and a lot of people could use it as a place to sleep at night or even crash out during the day without really getting in our way," Caine added.

Word of mouth quickly spread on the street, and grateful former members of the middle class began to find their way to the offices of AIG, Goldman Sachs, Merril Lynch, Bank of America, Citigroup, JPMorganChase, and others.

Some smaller firms were saddened that few arrived at their offices because of their lack of name recognition, so they started putting bumper stickers on their town cars and limos that said, "Follow me to sleep for free." Eventually, the homeless started following all limos into parking garages. Most execs don't mind if the homeless hop in their limo for a nap while it's idling outside some meeting or stuck in traffic.

One hitch that has occurred is offices widespread use of restroom keys. Execs were loathe to give up this perk and simply leave the door unlocked for anyone, so they simply look the other way when the homeless defecate in their plants and waste baskets. In areas where there are no public restrooms, transients are even encouraged to duck into the lobby of their buildings to defecate. Doorman Bob Denning said he didn't mind the smell and added, "I wouldn't want to bare my ass outdoors on a cold day like this. Not only that, it's worth it just to see some of the suits step in what they did to the rest of us."

When protesters started showing up outside AIG executives homes, one exec realized he could defray some of the anger by offering protesters the guest wing of their house to live in. Soon others followed suit and the practice became universal.

Likewise, exclusive athletic clubs are opening their doors to anyone who needs a shower, massage, and some time in the jacuzzi, and country clubs are allowing people living in their RVs to park on their golf courses. "We can't be elitists at a time like this, we have to be Americans first," said Hal Stark, president of Chatham Hollow Country Club. "Our members realize they used laws and infrastructure of this country to acquire their massive wealth and it is only right if they give some back in this time of need."

One question that arose surprisingly rarely was when this open door policy would end. Trip Caine of AIG was philosophical. "I don't know if it should. When I come home from the office and see Garth and Jennifer Puckett, the family staying with us, struggling to find a job or figure out how to pay for their kids to go to the doctor or send them to college, it really puts things in perspective for me. My actions have hurt real people. If they leave, I might forget that."

Wall Street's earlier effort to feed the homeless



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